Of snakes and speeches
by Coneofwonders
Summary: Well things could be better for Mike the python. Having to prepare a big speech for an important ceremony while trying to figure out what a familiar foe of Vipers is planning for him and his friends. Will he end up putting this criminal behind bars or will he end up making a big mess of everything? Eh, chances are 50 50... (Is non-canon to the Kung fu python story)
1. Parties and speeches

Living at the Jade palace has the same old routine I suppose, just like any other day. Wake up, train, eat, train some more, save the valley of peace from bandit attacks, dinner then bed. Pretty stiff routine that I've grown accustomed to but hey, it has its moments. Being a warior does have its perks I'll say that much, but sometimes I guess it's about taking the good with the bad and seeing how well you endure. I think it's fair to say I've had my fair share of both considering the events on how my life literally changed. Not to mention my personality. I think that it is clear to say that I've changed for the be-

"Hey Mike"!

Oh Goddammit!

"WHAT"? I yelled, turning round to see a large panda shaped sillouette standing right outside my room, twiddling his thumbs.

"Just... wanted to see how the speech for the ceremony is going". Po mumbled, a little startled at my yelling. But yeah, for those who don't know, ever since the defeat of Fennu, the Valley of Peace now officially sees me as a warrior of the Jade palace, which is why Shifu had gone and decided to make me an official member of the Jade palace, allowing the villagers to celebrate what he called to be a rare event. Kind of surprising for two reasons. The first one being Shifus generosity, and secondly, wasn't I already an official member of the Jade palace? Can't help but feel just a little insulted there. Anyway back to the matter at hand... or tail considering my species.

"I was just going over it in my head until you interupted me"! I snapped back.

Oh, and did I mention that the event takes place tonight? I only realised this whole event scheme this morning and ever since I've been freaking out! Coming up with speeches, especially ones that have to be spoken in front of a couple hundred villagers, can be just a teeny bit stressful on ones mind. And the interuptions I've been getting about it were really not easing the situation. Still, I guess going two hours straight of annoying my own brain deverves a break for now. I finally got myself to slither out of the stuffy room and next to Po, trying not to chuckle at the blue and red robe he was wearing.

"Sorry about that"... Po responded sheepishly in answe to my last comment and rubbed the back of his head in mild embarrasment. Great. Now it was my turn to feel bad.

"It's fine Po". I said with a sigh. "I... I just wish I had a little more time on this whole speech thing! It's really beginning to drive me up the wall".

"But... you're right here on the floor".

Oh for Gods sake...

"It's an expression Po".

I just watched as Po's mouth formed an Ooo shape and let out a barely audiable "Ooh"... sound.

"Anyway, I think I've had enough pshycological torture for the time being, so I'm just gonna rest for a moment". I made my way past Po.

"But didn't Master Shifu say that you were to practise your speech until you could do it perfectly"? Po called back. I almost froze given the person that had said it. Instead, I replied with...

"Shifu says a lot of things"! ...And slithered out of the barracks.

Ah, finally, fresh air at long last!

For the first time within the last four hours, I smiled. Then with the sudden shock of being out being over, I went over my thoughts. The ceremony doesn't begin until seven PM in five and a half hours time, so just take an hour to relax, come back and practise a little longer. Lest I want to encourage the wrath of the white fuzzy furball that is my master.

So with a smile, I headed down the stairs and into the village, seeing the villagers prepare for tonight. I couldn't help but stop dead in my tracks for a brief moment the second I moved off of the last stair and look at the villagers ahead of me. Most of them were either sweeping the paths, hanging decorations or preparing food. Heck, I even saw one bunny selling kids posters of your truly. It almost hit me emotionally how all of all of this was just for me. My anger was replaced with happiness. For a total of five seconds, then the next thing that happened was a certain feline I know all to well walking up to me with her usual unemotional face and took away whatever positive feeling that I had just felt. Of course, like the other members of the furious five, Tigress had been helping out villagers with tonight. Though I'm pretty sure she would have prefered to have been training than be here. Guess that's what happens when you let Po volunteer you for something.

"Aren't you meant to be practising for the big speech tonight"? She asked with her arms crossed. She seemed a little ticked off with me.

Not that Tigress hated me... at least not anymore. We were more or less friends now. Still, it didn't mean to say that she would often give me a tough time whenever she assumed that I had stepped out of line or wasn't following instructions to the fullest. And everytime that happened, I almost wanted to tear my brains out in frustration. It was like being told off by a strict school teacher or something.

"Just finished pracising it I'll have you know". I smirked. "Done and done".

"Then perhaps you won't mind giving a demonstration"? She asked with a raised eyebrow. Of course, knowing her, she wasn't asking, she was demanding. And once that was done, there was no getting out of it. My face paled slightly. I was more or less still perfecting my lines, but the majority of it was finished.

"Very well then". I spoke with confidence, taking a deep breath and beginning, making sure I was quiet enough so that noone else could hear..

"Hello Everybody. How's todays festivity going for you"?

Aaaaand just as I had begun, Tigress raised her arm up in the air to stop me. Well ain't this going to be a fun way to spend my break...

"You would be better off saying... Good evening Citizens of the Valley of Peace. I trust that today has been a promising series of events for you thus far"...

For the next half hour, you can only imagine the bull I was recieving for what Tigress has now called, my poorly planned sentences that have been exercised with little time or concern. By the end of it, I had ended up being even more freaking stressed than I had earlier! Most of her replacement sentences were either too long or contained words I didn't even know the meaning to. Her "help" as she called it, wasn't particularly as helpful as she was assuming it to be.

"I trust that my version of the speech would be seen as a clearer message to the public"? She asked.

"Oh, yes of course. Your speech certainly helped me to improve"...

Eff that...

"And I'll be sure to try and apply it into my own speech". I smiled, more forced than appreciatted. Tigress nodded back with a smile. At least I think it was a smile... the left side of her lip just moved slightly up.

"Good. In that case, I shall be looking forward to hearing it tonight". And with that, she finally left me alone thank God.

Now I was free to slither through the town and focus more on being cheerful as I was greeted, more often than I usually was, which wasn't a lot to begin with, but still I smiled and waved back. Not to mention that at least a dozen kids pleaded for my autograph on their posters of me, how could I say no? Kids are awesome. I signed what I could and decided to head into the bamboo forest as soon as I reached the boarder of the town. I mean, I did come out here for a break, and not that I don't appreciate the villagers doing what they're doing, because I do. It's just that it's better to relax on your own, without any interuptions and without giving a care in the world, for a short moment in time anyway. Just a few minutes and I'll be back up at the Jade palace ready to practice once again. Eventually, I sat up against one of the bamboo stalks and smiled once again. I didn't even dare sigh, as though even the slightest hint of noise would have broken the peace before me...

...

...

"My my, what have we here"...?

MOTHER FFFF...!

My head whipped up at once the instance I could hear what sounded like a hostile voice. I looked round towards the source expecting to see someone there, but there wasn't. Okay, great, seems like everybody and their mothers are out to freaking prevent me from taking one measly break! There was certainly no way that I had imagined that voice either.

"Who's there"? I asked. After a good five seconds of silence, I got into my kung fu stance. "Whoever is out there, I'm specially trained under Masters Shifu and Viper, so don't think I'm defenceless"!

Probaly a bandit I'm sure, but I wasn't giving any chances of being caught off guard.

"I must admit, you seem certainly distrustful towards a simple greeting... even from one of your own kind"...

Okay, so the guy has just gone and informed me that he's a snake. Whether giving that information was intentional or not, who knows. Least I now know what I'm up against...

"Then why hide in the shadows like a coward"? I called back up the the braches above as I was sure that was where he was hiding.

"I assure you, the only cowards here are the ones you serve to protect"! Was my response. "Relying on a serpant to do their dirty work for them".

Okay, now I was starting to get annoyed with this jokester.

"Then how about showing yourself, huh? If you're so sure you're not afraid of me, why bother hiding"?

A moment of silence passed.

"Very well. If it pleases you, behold"!

And like that, a brown figure dropped from the branches to the ground in front of me. I was right, it was another snake. A brown cobra to be exact. One that gave a sinister, and rather disturbing smile. I looked him up and down before asking a single question.

"Who the hell are you meant to be"?

It was amusing to see his smiling face change to one of surprise and shock, and then over to anger as though he was ready to go and throw a fit.

"You don't know me? You know what I'm capable of? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM"!? He snapped angrily.

"... A hobo"? I answered truthfully. It was either that or a bandit for all I knew.

"Foolish mortal! Every snake in China knows of me"! He snarled, slithering forward.

"Ah, well, there's your answer genius. I don't originally come from China, I was born in England". I replied, not daring to move out of my stance should he dared to attack.

"And what of your dear Viper? Has she not boasted her victories over Lord Fu Xi"...?

Fu Xi? Oh crap!

"Lord Fu Xi?! Of course, now I know"! I snarled, as his smile grew. "You're that racist that hates anything that moves on legs".

His look vanished yet again to one of shock and horror.

"How dare you! I am no racist"! He yelled in anger.

"Uh, yes you are". I responded.

"Am not"!

"Are too".

"AM NOT"!

"So you're telling me you have no hate towards... people who walk on two legs"?

"Two leggers... And yes, I hold a serious disliking towards those beasts"!

"Yeah, racist".

"I AM NOT RACIST"!

"... Actually, you have a point". I responded, taking back what I said, causing him to nod in approval while glaring angrily at me. "You're not A racist. You're THE racist".

"WHAT"?! Aaaaand, he's back to being angry again.

"Think about it. You hate two leggers for no reason. You know how many animal species walk on two legs? That means you hate pigs, rabbits, geese, rhinos, buffaloes"...

With every animal species I listed, I failed to notice Fu Xi's face become redder and redder with anger until he had finally had...

"ENOUGH"!

At this, I stopped counting animal species, of which I was on thirty two at this point.

"If we could get back to the matter at hand"! He hissed wildly.

I glared back. Guess I had gotten a little caught up then...

"Alright. So what is it you want"?

With that, his sinister smile returned once more...

...

**Well, I'm finally starting to get round to writing this fanfic at last. Sorry for the wait those who voted for it at Christmas, but hey, we're finally starting it! I don't know how many chapters I'll be writing for it, but with luck, it should take a heck of a lot quicker to finish than "A lesson in time", God that one took far too long than I wanted it too. Anyway, least the first chapter is up so you'll have a brief understanding of what is going on and what may or may not unfold. Cheerio!**


	2. Language barriers and charades

"Let me guess"... I spoke up before giving him the chance to speak for himself. "You're going to try persuading me that the Jade palace is using me for its own benefit and get me on your side aren't you"?

Fu Xi shook his head and gave a laugh. "No, I'm not. I made that error once before and I have no intention of slithering down that path a second time".

"Okay then, so what do you want? Cause I doubt you've come all the way out here just for a stroll in the shade".

"Indeed not". He smiled wickedly. "In fact, I've heard much about you these last few weeks, and have been eager to meet you, even if you aren't quite what I expected"...

Right back at you jerk.

"... And it got me thinking, perhaps I should celebrate the upcoming festivity of your... initiation. After all, it is rather rare for two-leggers to throw such an event for one of us"...

Okay, if this guy is as cliche as I think he is, this is no doubt the part where he stupidly explains his plan to me. Seriously, it's practically tradition for evil do-gooders, why should this guy be any different?

"...Which is why it would serve myself and serpents everywhere if I were to serve up some baked goods"... He spoke with a sinister grin.

See? Called it- wait what? That's his evil plan? Baked goods? The heck's he planning to do, assault the Valley of Peace with cookies and brownies? No, I had to be missing something out. How did he try taking out the Valley of Peace last time? What did Viper say about it, something to do with a toxic plant in the aqua duct...

And then it hit me. It hit me harder than one of Tigresses punches.

Poisoned food! God dang it, how the hell did he pull that off?! Surely someone would have noticed a large cobra dumping bags of food around! Something was off about what he was suggesting. Either way, I now know what he's up to. Idiot. Now all I had to do was warn the five and Po, tell them what I had just learned and stop Fu Xi. You know, for an evil genius, Fu Xi is certainly not all that smart.

"Oh, and before you go"... I turned to Fu Xi, seeing what now he had to say. The grin on his face getting larger each time I turned to him. "...Here's a special gift just for you".

Before I could react, Fu Xi pulled out, from seemingly nowhere, a blue crystal of sorts, pointed at me, and the next thing I knew, a bright white light engulfed my vision, appearing and disappearing as quick as lightning! I froze for a short moment, expecting to have been turned to ash. I even shut my eyes. When I opened them, the first thing I noticed that I had not been reduced to dust. I turned to check every part of my body. I... looked okay. Was that thing a dud? Hah! And this is the guy who was once considered a hero? What a joke!

No need to stay around here now that I know what he's up to. Within seconds, I charged at him and hit him in the stomach, and watched as he crumbled onto the ground. One hit and he's down? Dude's gotten soft since his last fight with a member of the Jade Palace, that's for sure. Still, no time to focus on that now. I need to get back before someone thinks of trying a free sample!

With that, I gave a mock salute to the so called lightning fast god and left, moving as quick as I could.

**FU XI POV...**

The python had guts to just attack me so aggresively. Not to mention his determination to protect those cursed two legged vermin. Though eager to attack so quickly, he was a fool. A gullable one at that. Did he honestly suspect that one punch would have been enough to down me? Hah. Were it so easy... Even so, it won't take long for him to reach the village and alert his friends of my location. It wouldn't be surprising if they came for me once they find out.

A smile found its way onto my lips.

Excellent. Things are going exactly to plan...

**MIKE POV...**

Slithering back, it only took a minute to reach the Valley of Peace. As I emerged from the forest, I wasted no time zooming into the first street, looking round in a paranoid fashion in case I happened to see someone stuffing their face with a poisonous bagel or whatever these people eat at festivities! Thankfully everywhere I turned, there was no food being served anywhere, thank God. Too early I suppose to be serving at this hour. Especially since the kitchens of probably everywhere will be cooking nonstop for a while. At least that meant I had plenty of time to track the five down, and maybe if I'm lucky once we find Fu Xi, watch Viper give him a second ass kicking. Especially since I wasn't able to witness the first one. Speaking of Viper, I barely caught a glimpse of her right down the street, helping out Mr. Gao, an elderly pig villager, by holding a ladder for him while he hung up a yellow lantern on a string attached from one house to another on the other side of the street. I made my way up to her and she quickly spotted me, waited for Mr. Gao to finish and slithered up to me once he was safely off of the ladder.

"Oh hey there Mike". She spoke in her cheerful voice. "Have you been practising your speech for this evening"?

Like I said. Everyone and their mothers are out to bug me with that question. I nodded impatiently.

"You know it off by heart"?

I nodded again. I mean, I lied, but I think it was clear that we had bigger problems than some silly speech".

"I hope so, because Maser Shifu said that this was to be an important"-

I couldn't wait any longer. As rude as it was, I cut her off and spoke. However...

"Viper, entiendo! Me da que este discurso es tan importante y tal, pero tenemos problemas mayores. Nosotros"- (Viper, I get it! I get that this speech is oh so important and such, but we have bigger problems! We-)

...

"El infierno? ¿Por qué estoy hablando en español? No sé cómo hablar español sangriento"! (The hell? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know how to speak bloody Spanish!)

I noticed Viper staring at me baffled. Most likely she had no idea what I was saying. Why in Gods name am I- FU XI! That bitch must have done something to me while we were talking!

"QUE HIJO DE PUTA! PRÓXIMA VEZ LO VEO, ME VOY A COPIAR SU CORAZÓN A TRAVÉS DE SU BOCA. TOMARé"- (THAT SON OF A BITCH! NEXT TIME I SEE HIM, I'M GONNA RIP HIS HEART OUT THROUGH HIS MOUTH! I'LL-)

Ahem*

Before I could continue my rant, which was drawing a lot of confused villager to look at me like I had gone crazy, not that I cared at the moment, Viper caught my attention. I quickly realized the danger the town was in and panicked.

"VIPER! Necesito que me escuchen! Fu Xi. El hombre que intentó envenenar al pueblo. Él está aquí! Me dijo que va a tratar y de ataque del valle un segundo tiempo... y no tiene idea de lo que estoy diciendo que usted"...? (VIPER! I need you to listen to me! Fu Xi! The guy who tried to poison the town! He's here! He told me that he's going to try and attack the valley a second time... and you have no idea what I'm saying do you...?)

Again, Viper looked at me, confused.

Shit... okay, I guess Fu Xi's a little smarter than I gave him credit for. Just a bit though.

"We better talk to Shifu about this". Viper spoke, turning deadly serious before dragging me towards the Jade Palace. Not much point of arguing back I guess. Especially when she can't understand a single word I'm saying. If I'm lucky, Shifu can reverse whatever has been done to me.

**At the Jade Palace**

Shifu was looking through another scroll that might help me out of my situation. For ten minutes, myself, Viper, Po and Shifu had been searching with no success. At least until...

"Ooh, ooh"! Exclaimed Po. I turned round to see him facing me with a scroll in his paws. My face beamed with hope.

"Panda, what have you found"? Shifu asked, stepping forth.

"This"! Po near yelled, holding up... is that a dumpling? "I wondered where I left this". He smiled before... of course, eating it. Shifu face palmed, Viper went green in the face... well, greener anyway, and I sighed in frustration.

"Idiota"... (Take a guess)

"I know right? Awesome or what"? Po smiled back, clearly hearing what he wanted to hear, winding me up further.

"¡Venga! ¿Cómo podría no saber lo que quería decir"?! (OH COME ON! How could you not tell what that meant)?!

Enough of this nonsense! Every second we wasted, Fu Xi was no doubt taking advantage of this. I had to think of something! Think think think think think!

Suddenly, an idea sprung up.

Grabbing an empty scroll as well as a quill, I scribbled furiously, grabbing everyones attention. Once I finished, I showed them what I had drawn out. As good a drawing of a cobra standing next to a cookie and above it connected with a crudley drawn arrow, two crosses representing eyes and an **n**, creating a frowny face. Yeah, I know, not exactly the next picasso, but who cares?

The group studied the drawing until Viper got an idea. She looked up to me, slightly worried.

"Mike, that wouldn't happen to be a cobra would it"?

She caught on quick. I nodded.

"And his name wouldn't happen to be"...?

Before she could finish, I nodded.

"Fu Xi". She hissed, glaring at the drawing.

"And what is it you are trying to tell us about him python"?

I was about to say something, forgetting my condition for a moment, until Po beat me to the punch.

"Kinda obvious, isn't it"?

I smiled. At least someone understood my amazing drawing skills.

"Fu Xi is clearly trying to buy the entire villages supply of almond cookies with sticks in an attempt to starve the village! That no good cobra"...

I stared at Po for a second, making the best "Are you serious" face I could before flipping my drawing back round to myself and stared at it, trying to picture how Po had come up with such a stupid conclusion. It would have just been better if I... had... written it out... ... Really? I think of that now?!

Better late than never I suppose... I wrote on the scroll again, finished it, and showed them what I had written...

**Or maybe he's trying to poison the valley again you idiot! And seriously, how the hell did you even come up with such a stupid conclusion?!**

Harsh yes, but I got the point across at least. Shifu looked down for a moment, ignoring Po's drop of enthusiasm, deep in though until he turned to Po.

"Panda. Retrive the rest of the five. We need to find out what Fu Xi is planning"...

...

**Yes, indeed what is Fu Xi planning...? Maybe there is more than meets the eye...**

**Moving on, I had multiple directions on how I wanted this story to play out, and since it's going to be something of a short story, I decided to treat it more like a Legends Of Awesomeness episode, which I find rather cool to be honest, even if everyone else happens to disagree ^^ It may not have gone the way you were expecting, but hey, nothing wrong with a slight twist. I don't expect high marks for this story I must admit, but as long as some people enjoy it and get a laugh out of it, then it's worth it :) Hope it was worth it to you anyway. Cheerio!**


	3. Artifacts and Misleadings

Well, it didn't take too long for Po to find and direct the rest of the five to the palace to discuss the turn of events. Needless to say that they we're shocked about it at first, but considering how often shit happens round here, it took only seconds to adjust to these changes. Me however, not so much. After all, I am speaking bloody Spanish for Crimeny's sake! I mean, yeah, it's kinda cool that I can speak in another language... but that's besides the point! I want to go back to speaking English again! ... Or... Chinese...

...Huh. Still haven't figured that one out yet have I...?

"Wait, how do we know that this whole thing isn't some sort of trick Mike's playing to get out of his speech for tonight"...? Mantis inquired, looking at me suspiciously.

"Ah sí Mantis, ya que era tan evidente, que sabía hablar español perfectamente antes"! (Oh yeah Mantis, because it was so obvious that I knew how to speak Spanish perfectly before) I snapped back, glaring right back at the little pest. Luckily Viper was quick to intervine and slithered in between the two of us.

"Mantis, don't be ridiculous". She scolded the insect. "Mike may be impatient, hot tempered and ignorant"...

"Desde aquí usted sabe"... (Standing right here you know...)

"...But he is certainly not dishonest".

"So what do we do about Fu Xi"? Asked Monkey, changing the subject to the more important matter at hand.

"Tal vez deberíamos ir al valle y encontrarlo tal vez? Cuanto más tiempo gastamos aquí, más el tiempo que ha de llevar a cabo sus planes contra nosotros". (Maybe we should go into the valley and find him perhaps? The more time we're wasting here, the more time he has to pull off his plans against us)

"Good point bud". Po interjected. "We should just wait until he shows up again, right? I mean, Fu Xi's probably blowing hot air. I mean, how is he going to get all those ingredients for poisoned food"?

"Dios maldita sea...ahora estoy empezando a comprender cómo se siente que el robot en el Rojo vs Azul serie web"... (God damn it... now I'm beginning to understand how that robot feels in that Red vs Blue web series)...

"That's not a chance we can take Po". Tigress stepped in, crossing her arms as she looked right at the fuzzy panda.

"She's right Panda". Shifu carried on. "Our best chance is to patrol the Valley of Peace for the time being until Fu Xi makes his move. It's likely he's trying to sabotage the Valley a second time, and using the ceremony for tonight to pull it off". Shifu stroked his beard, in deep thought for only a few seconds. "All of you, head out into the Valley at once. Be sure not to mention any of this to the villagers. The last thing we need is for the whole village to panic".

We all bowed before taking our leave. However, before I could get past Shifu...

"Not you python".

I stopped in my tracks at once before turning back to look at Shifu with a confused look as everyone else headed outside and down the stairs.

"I'm afraid due to your... condition, we can't afford to have you out in the village. Should anyone try to interact with you, well, I don't believe I need to say much more".

For a while, I remained in place. Surely he wasn't serious right? How the bloody hell am I expected to get my voice then, just wait?! What if we don't manage to even find him before tonight, what then?!

Course, I knew better than to argue, despite how much I wanted to. Fat chance even Shifu would understand what I would say anyway... Still, it didn't stop me from doing what I had done before. Finding another blank scroll and writing a message on it in order to try and convince my master. Staying in the palace was not my idea of riding this case out. Eventually I finished and presented the message.

Master Shifu, please consider. With the upcoming event for tonight, we need all the help we can get.

"It's too risky Python. We need to have faith that Po and the five will accompolish their task before tonight".

*Scribble*

And if they don't?

"Then we'll have to cancel the festivities".

...

*Scribble*

Shame :(

Despite my message, I couldn't help but give a small smirk after hearing that there was a chance of getting out of this whole speech deal. Still, as tempting as it sounded, the safety of the Valley came first. Well, I guess it all depends on what the search party has to offer when they return. Heck, knowing them, chances are they've already found him in the first few minutes.

**Substantially more than a few minutes later...**

"Sorry Master Shifu. There has been no sighting of Fu Xi anywhere near the Valley of Peace". Came Tigress with a disapointed look on her face, unhappy for coming up with nothing. The others carried the same look.

Damn it all! It's been two hours and still no sign of that guy. See, I knew I should have accompanied them. Now I was beginning to get a little frustrated. Exactly how now was I going to stop speaking Spanish? Forgetting about the speech for a moment, I'd just feel better having everything back the way it was right now.

...Well, no point bitching about it now...

I looked over to Shifu as he clutched the top of his staff. I had no doubt that he saw that there was no choice but to cancel the celebrations tonight.

"Hmmmmmm... Very well, you're all dismissed. Begin your training at once. I shall join you shortly".

Everyone bowed and followed Shifu's instructions except for myself and for some reason, Viper. She seemed to be eyeing me curiously. Can't say I know why but it was kinda giving me the creeps. Thankfully I didn't have to look at it much longer as Shifu spoke up.

"I am sorry Python, but it seems that tonight festivities will need to be forfieted for the time-being until we can guarantee the village's safety".

I nodded, unsure what to say. I guess there were pros and cons about the whole ordeal, but Shifu was right. The village comes first. I wonder how everyone else feels about it? Well, for Po's sake, at least he won't need to worry about that silly red and blue costume anymore. Didn't he mention that he used to wear that thing for being a clown during the Moon cake festival anyway...? Eh.

"Viper, is there any reason you have chosen to stay behind"? I heard Shifu snap, breaking me from my thoughts. I looked in time to see Viper bowing to Shifu.

"Apologies master Shifu, but I was hoping to talk to Mike about his encounter with Fu Xi"?

"A menos que usted puede hablar español Viper, yo no veo que esto vaya a suceder en el momento". (Unless you can speak Spanish Viper, I don't see that happening at the moment) I pointed out.

Even though she didn't understand me, she did shove the now half blank scroll and quill into my chest kind of forcefully. I took it and gave her a look of confusion. Exactly what was it she wanted for me to write down?

"Mike, if you would? Could you describe what happened between yourself and Fu Xi from earlier? Oh, and be sure to mention every detail. It may help".

I looked over to Shifu, checking to see if he was going to allow this. A simple nod was enough of an answer and I begun writing down what I could from memory. A few minutes later doobity doobity do, I was done. I passed it over and allowed for her and Shifu to read what I had written down. It didn't take long for them to answer the first question.

"You say that Fu Xi attacked you with a blue rock"? Asked Viper.

"Si".

"And that's what you think altered your tounge"?

"Si".

Shifu looked back at the scroll.

"It seems that you under the effects of the Xībānyá yǔ sapphire".

Of course, knowing my knowledge on mystical artifacts, which happened to be nearly eff all, I may have needed to have a deeper understanding on this Xibbabalarama... whatever the heck it's called. I allowed Shifu to continue.

"The Xībānyá yǔ sapphire is an artifact that can alter and change the natural language barrier of anyone who has it used against them".

I nodded.

"If we aren't able to undo the effects, it will only get worse".

"Peor? ¿Cómo el infierno se va a ser mucho peor que esto?! Qué, ¿me voy a empezar trotando con un sombrero redondo silbido del tapatío"?! (Worse? How the hell is it going to get much worse than this?! What, am I going to start prancing round in a sombrero whistling the tune of the Mexican hat dance?!) Came my sarcastic side mixed with a little anger, which was understandable. As you can tell, I haven't been having the best day of my life so far...

"If it is not reversed soon, then the effects will be permenant". Shifu finished.

Oh... That... that's rather bad I guess...

"If I may"? Viper spoke up. "It says here that Fu Xi told you what he was planning"?

"Si"?

I was tossed a glare. Why I was even recieving it I had no idea.

...

...

"¿Qué"? (What?)

"He explained to you his plan"? She spoke flatly.

"Si...".

"He told you his whole plan on that he was planning on poisoning the village with poisoned food"?

"Si".

"And you don't find it even a little bit suspicious that he did that? Just... decided that he was going to explain to you wha he was planning to do, and when he was planning to do it"?

"Uh... Si"...?

Viper facepalmed.

"Even with the Xībānyá yǔ sapphire, wouldn't he have known that you would have been able to get the message across one way or another? You didn't think that there was the chance that he could have just attacked you and taken you down any time he wanted"?

...

...

...

...

"Si"...? I answered unsure.

"Mike, Fu Xi is a very dangerous individual. He wouldn't have let you go so easily, especially when you _know_ of his so called plans".

"What are you trying to tell us Master Viper"? Shifu spoke up.

"Forgive me master, but I believe that there is something here we are not understanding. Why did he use a Xībānyá yǔ sapphire on Mike and why let him escape with such little resistance"?

"Porque él es un pendejo racista que combate sucio"? (Because he's a racist asshole that fights dirty?)

"I don't know... something's not right here... Fu Xi must have had Mike pass on false information. But why, I'm not so sure"...

...

**Well, this has been tricky. I hadn't gotten as much free time as I had hoped I would this holiday :( But oh well, what's done is done. Onto this now...**

**Yeah, it's taking me some time to write these out guys, sorry. But don't worry, I'm not letting this be a repeat of Lesson In Time. I'll just have to write a chapter for every one I do for Kung Fu Python. Hopefully that should help keep me on track. Cheerio!**


	4. True intentions and Remedies

Okay, this was starting to confuse me more by the minute. Fu Xi shows up out of nowhere, tells me something intentionally, uses some magical dohickey to make me speak another language, I end up back here at the Jade palace trying to explain the situation, just to hear that there may be something more sinister going on? Call me crazy, but I'm not exactly following the plot here. It sounds a lot like something from a badly written fanfic if you ask me...

"Mike, can you come over here"?

I turned round and slithered up to Viper, who was now looking through several scrolls she had borrowed from the room of ten thousand scrolls. Chances were that she was looking for something to help me. I mean, what else could it have been? As I reached her, she pointed to the drawing of a picture. A gem to be precise. It didn't take much for my mind to click into place as I realised what it was.

"I believe that there's a way to undo the spell that Fu Xi has used on you, but it requires for us to recieve this".

She pointed to another drawing on the same scroll which was much smaller. It was a pot as far as I could tell. Only... was it me or did it look a lot like the Alabaster pot of rememberence, and yes I have been told the story of what happened the last time it was needed, shoutout to Po... Anyway, I scribbled away on my own spare piece of parchment asking if it happened to be just that and showed it to Viper. She nodded.

"Yes, The Alabaster pot does have many spiritual properties. It can be used to bring back memories, allow people to speak again, it can also be used to cure back rash if nessecary".

Uh... okay, ew, did not need to know that last bit... But putting that aside, we now have a solution!

"Just... one small problem". Viper smiled sheepishly.

Oh, well, of course. Wouldn't be fair if just one thing could go right for me now would it?

"The Alabaster pot happens to reside wihin the corridor of unbelievable agony"...

...The what? Who the hell came up with that name?! No, I'm being serious here, who? I don't remember hearing about that in the story! Then again it was Viper herself who told me about this, so I doubt she knew of it either. Oh, but wait, the bad news didn't stop there...

"Which reminds me, in order to reach it, you'll need this. Be sure to follow each and every instruction and you will be fine".

Viper passed over another scroll. This one unopened the moment it left Vipers tail and was in my own. At that second, it was revealed how much life hates me as it opened up proving to be over nine feet of writing contained inside.

...

...

...

...

Are you shitting me right now?

"Esto es una broma"? (Is this a joke?) I asked with a hint of annoyance.

"Mike, I'm sorry, but it's the only way. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life speaking like that, I suggest moving down there while you can".

I grumbled. Guess it's gonna be that way then...

Since I couldn't see any other way around it, I did what she asked, or rather commanded, and headed down the stairs and followed the pathway down, made a left there, then a right, down some more stairs... I really should have asked for instructions before coming down here shouldn't I? Oh well, no point turning back now... Anyway, after several minutes I found a corridor, which I hope would be thee corridor. It certainly had something at the end of it. Surely it had to be the pot.

Well, that's the easy part. Now for the real torture...

I took another look at the scroll containing the instructions of how to pass and just read it. I read and read and read. Good God, it was almost like reading a bloody novel. It. took. freaking. forever to read! And the worst bit about it was, anytime I accidentally forgot something, I couldn't find it and had to start the entire thing all over again!

Okay, agonizing pain, blah blah blah... horrible death, mutilation, damn it read that bit already... Flipping limbs ripped from body, don't think I need to worry much about that... Okay, you know what? Screw this!

At last my patience had worn out. Twenty minutes and I had gotten nowhere! Just sitting down here underneath the Jade palace while doing nothing but read the same bits of scroll over and over again! Besides, Po made it without the scroll, and he's still in one piece. For what reason can't I?

Oh poor future me...

I slithered forwards, hoping that there was the chance that I may come out of this ordeal unscathed. That thought lasted for a total of half a second as I heard a click from underneath, indicating that I had just slithered onto a booby trap.

"Eff mi vida"... (Eff my life...)

That's when the paddles appeared...

**Back upstairs...**

It didn't take long for Viper to hear the screams, as well as a generous amount of swears and curses, coming from the doors that Mike had taken. It was obvious to her that he had gone and skimmed the scroll like Po had done when he was in the same boat. Now that Viper thought about it, hadn't Shifu decided to go ahead and add a few extra traps seeing how Po had made it though with minimal injury? Several times in fact? All she could remember was there being something about installing razor sharp blades as well as there being the mention of spikes popping out of the floor. Or had she gone and made that up? Either way, she considered maybe helping out the python, at least until she heard a creak coming from the other side of the hall.

Viper turned to see what the noise was. The front door was opening up. At once she assumed it to be Shifu since the others would have headed back into town by now in search of Fu Xi. She rolled the scroll up that contained the information on the Ababaster pot and put it back in its rightful place before turning back to see the door fully opened. No one seemed to be standing on the other side.

"Master Shifu, is that you"? She called out, hoping for an answer of some kind, only to be met with silence.

Sensing something was up, she narrowed her eyes and slowly made her way over to the door whilst remaining cautious. Unless there was an extremely powerful wind storm blowing outside, then someone was here with the intention of not wanting to be seen. Viper had a strong suspision on who it was as well. She just hoped that she was wrong about it. Unfortunatley for her that the things wanted in life are rarely given.

"Well well, isn't this a pleasant surprise little sister"? Came a dark voice.

"Don't call me that". Viper hissed threateningly. "I'm not, or will I ever be your sister".

"Aw, don't be that way". The voice spoke mockingly. "My intentions are not the same as the last time we met, for I now strive towards a different goal".

"Poisoning the village, I know. I've heard from Master Mike". She replied, playing along. Her response was met with something of a hearty laughter.

"Impressive"! The voice exclaimed. "The idiot got the message across a lot quicker than I had expected".

"Master Mike is not one to be underestimated, especially by you Fu Xi".

The second those words left her mouth, Viper felt something drop down on top of her. The weight of it caused her to drop to the floor. Before she could retaliate, she felt two sharp fangs pierce her neck. She was no longer able to move. All she could do was look around with only her eyes. That was when the brown cobra shifted into her view.

"I should say the same about myself". Fu Xi smiled evilly. "Oh and don't worry too much. You're only paralysed from the neck down, for now at least. You see, you and I have much catching up to do". He hissed, leaning closer to Vipers face with that last sentence with an angered glare. "However before we get to that, it's only fitting that we tie up loose ends wouldn't you agree? So how about you tell me where your python friend has slithered off to? After all it's only fitting that he should pay as well for signing up with the accurssed two leggers".

"Forget it Fu Xi". Viper hissed. "My lips are sealed".

However, a large bang from downstairs drew the pairs attention.

"¡Maldita sea! CUANDO EL INFIERNO QUE INCLUSO PROVIENEN DE JAULA!" ?! (DAMN IT! WHERE THE HELL DID THAT CAGE EVEN COME FROM!?)

A few seconds of silence passed until the voice came again, sounding just as annoyed as the first time.

"UNA LLAVE?! ME FALTA UNA LLAVE EN EL INICIO DEL PASILLO?! EL NOMBRE DE DIOS QUE ME PERDIERA"?! (A KEY?! I NEEDED A KEY AT THE START OF THE HALLWAY?! HOW IN GODS NAME DID I MISS THAT?!)

"Seems I've found him". Fu Xi smiled. He then proceeded to lok up and nod. Viper shifted her eyes as well. They went wide from seeing a large snake, at least three times bigger than Fu Xi slither down one of the pillars. Once it had made its way onto the marble floor, Viper got a better look at it. It was a brown anaconda! A species of snake rarely seen in China!

"Allow me to introduce a friend of mine". Fu Xi spoke up, snapping Viper out of her trance. "This is Tiny. A fellow brother of my cause. I met him not so long after our last encounter together. Since then, I have been planning my revenge. Against the Valley of Peace, tht infernal panda, but more importantly you. Do not think that I forgot about your betrayal so easily my dear. You will pay for that dearly, and I'll start with killing your boyfriend".

At this, the large anaconda, now known as Tiny, took this as his cue to head through the doors that Mike had gone down not so long ago. As much as Viper hated it, Mike was not as strong nor skilled as the five. It was unlikely that the upcoming fight would be in his favour.

As soon as Tiny was out of sight, Fu Xi turned his head back to Viper and lifted her head up with his tail.

"Now you shall begin to feel the pain you have caused me _little sister_"...

**...**

**Hi there everyone, sorry for the long delay. The last few weeks have been tiring thanks to uni work. I've had to spend til 4pm to 1am in computer rooms without a break just to get one step closer with assignments. After all I do have only one month left here at university before the summer hols. However, three assignments have been handed in so that's freed some time up for me so I thought I'd fit this chapter in while I can. Anyway, enough of my life story, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter. May be a week or two before the next one (for Kung Fu Python as well as this story I mean) Cheerio!**


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